(This piece was originally written sometime early last month during my solo adventures in the beautiful woods of Homalime . I came across it today in a folder I rarely open in my laptop and thought I’d publish it. So here goes…)
I was only nineteen,young & green to matters love. I had never loved nor committed to any man before. If you weren’t family (family here being friends & anyone I have close relations with) then I would probably throw shade if you made any suggestive moves on me,who needed a man anyway? I was content with my dad & brothers who somewhat made me feel happy all the time. Besides I hated the mediocrity in some men who took girls for a ride,dumping them whenever they pleased. I was sure I wouldn’t ever date or give myself away to a man either as a girlfriend or a wife;I’m the type who can’t stand someone else’s shit for more than a week and I hate commitments. Commitments suck,ikr?
But somehow you came and made me look at things in an all different perspective. I started seeing the other side of love I didn’t know existed. You were my knight in shining armour and I couldn’t imagine my days without you. My definition of an ideal man reflected in you and I remained wishing all the eighties & nineties men borrowed a leaf from you;you were a rare gem.In you was a special package I always found attractive in a man-story of another day.
Days passed and slowly ticklish feelings developed. We finally became a THING! Time flew and before I knew it we were one year old. I was happy that despite the pressure and confusion that came with long distance dating, my first relationship had lasted a year & we were still going strong. Hardly had I started celebrating my win when I lost it. You left unexpectedly. No communication whatsoever. I was BROKEN. I didn’t understand how one could shut and walk out on those they love dearly. It never crossed my mind that it would one day come to this. What followed were long nights of wetting my pillow and cursing the day I gave myself to you. I remained wondering why you made a move in the first place when you new that you were a passing cloud. All these didn’t help me get you back,it was time I put you in the past.
Several months later now, the wounds are slowly healing and my skies starting to clear.It feels good waking up in the morning,dressing & going on errands ,unlike before, without a single thought of you in my mind.It gladdens my heart that now I don’t have to adjust to please someone, go out with my male friends in peace & worry not about what my boyfriend will think or say of me. All thanks to my dad. He’s guided me into moving on and putting the past where it belongs.Today is a lil different though,i woke up thinking about you again and thought I’d write this.
GUILT DRIVEN APOLOGIST
So maybe you’re somewhere in your house or chasing sunsets and then the pictures of us come flooding your mind. You get your damn phone and start stalking me to see what I’m up-to and to find out if I look happy or otherwise. While you’re at it this article comes your way and you’re convinced you really need to do something. So you say to yourself that you should call me up and sorta apologise. Pause, why now? Couldn’t you have done it & explained to me why you went down that road the day you left. I’m sorry but I don’t have room for guilt driven apologists.
SECOND SHOT MAYBE
Throughout the journey of life, My papa has always told me that we should always give people second chances. .”Buut second chances do not always mean a happy ending,”he said. I do not believe in second chances when it comes to love. Even though I loved you more than life itself the thought of picking up from where we left it at is always a gazillion miles away. I don’t think I’d want to live in fear of losing a second time. Why would I go back to sum’n I know will always go away whenever it pleases? What I’m I trying to say here, honey,no to second chances.
EVEN THE BIGGEST HEARTS BREAK
So the last time we talked I gave you the impression that I was so okay with what you did and that I was really happy that I got to hear from you. That’s me. You wouldn’t ever know when/how mad I am at you until you know me inside out. I’ll give you that big luscious hug you’ve been longing for and a pretty wide smile that will make you feel at home, that’s still me. I’ll go ahead and make you my favourite cup of coffee to keep you warm in this cold July. But why? Who would want to look and sound miserable in the presence of those who hurt them anyway ? Sorry I deceived you. Even the biggest hearts break ,darling💔.
This one here ought to have been the first thing I addressed. I know you’ve been going through this article and wondering why I haven’t trolled or called you names.Or maybe you’re thinking that I’ve gone the save the best for last way, lol. So to make things clear…I believe that there’s no greater love than forgiving & forgetting ;still finding my feet. Just so you know, there’s no bad blood between us. I don’t hold grudges, it’s not my kinda thing. I am still your friend and I will be cause hey friendships mean the world to me. So don’t be afraid to call me, say hi or even pass by my place the next time you’re in town or maybe invite me for a cup of coffee at Java? That’s up-to you.
So long !