My name is Sherlyne Amase. When I first heard about kujikubali, I smiled and was glad. I was just right from dealing with all that and I was glad I had people and friends by my side, even though they did not really get it or understand anything, they were with me and were glad that I was happy. I realized that many people go through self esteem issues, but hide it and are afraid to speak because they fear being perceived weak.
I have a twin sister and we are always compared to each other and at times it really sucks. After my dad’s death, things got hard. I am lazy yes but not really like what people think. I could do stuff but then again I had my aunts telling me stuff that I took personal. I took them to heart and I just decided to be what they said, lazy. So I started acting out and kept stuff to myself. Sometimes the words got too much and painful so I would cry myself to sleep or just cry. The being compared to someone really did a number on my self esteem and that was worse of it all. So I found it very hard and I always looked down upon myself and always thought I was less.
I come from a family where I am the darkest of everybody and growing up I really didn’t give it much thought really . I just felt different in a way, being the dark one in the family and felt different. At that time, different felt odd and not so welcoming. When I got into highschool, it got worse because I was now a teenager and more self conscious of who I was and how I looked. I had really low self esteem and didn’t really dim myself beautiful or perfect. After my dad died it got worse since I became mor enclosed and mostly kept to myself. There was this day where I tried on putting lipstick for the first time just for the fun of it to see how I would look. Then this senior girl looked at me and you could see the distaste in her eyes. That really hurt and so I even stopped caring or bothering to make myself look beautiful.
I later on met this girl who every time we sat and ate our lunches she would always tell me how beautiful I was. That was the first time somebody told me I was beautiful and I actually believed it. She doesn’t know that what she always told me kinda changed my way of thinking. She would always tell me how I was a black beauty and the prettiest she had seen so far. So that, listening to that everyday really boosted my self esteem and how I was and helped me gain more self confidence in myself. And I thought I finally had defeated my self esteem demon.
What I didn’t know or understand is that, some times fear brings about feelings and things we didn’t know we felt. When we are afraid or fear, it is because we are not certain about tomorrow or what wi’ll happen. I had the fear of losing somebody that I loved and he was my best friend too. I had been through so much I hadn’t realized that my insecurities we’re still there and even greater now. I hadn’t even realized it was still there until he pointed it out. Fear brought back demons I had long buried and thought I had dealt with. So I had to deal with them and just not ignore the fact that I had self esteem issues. I am dark so I thought I wasn’t pretty and all that stuff. I also almost got depressed because at the same time, I was going througha hard time in my life but tried hiding it from people. I locked myself from the world and just to find myself. It has been a tough journey but here I am. I am still healing and glad that I wasn’t alone and had help from my friends.
People get scared to talk about these stuff but talking about them equals to half solving it. Also, your friends and are very vital in the healing process. Talk to them,theyll help you get there whilst standing by you too. You’re not alone, never really are alone in this world