My name is Paul Kind and low self-esteem has been a part of me for a very long time. I’ve always been the perfectionist; continuously wanting to live my life with one goal – no mistake should be made under no circumstances. Growing up with perfectionist parents made me always cross check whatever I did and somehow made it difficult for me. I would trip at some point and the mistakes I made would reveal themselves directly. As a result, I’d remain asking myself why something that was meant to turn out right would fail terribly.
If every single moment was to be counted, the times I’ve failed to forgive myself would outweigh the number of times I’ve forgiven other people and thats where my self esteem would come crushing down. You ask why? Because before I did anything I’d have negative opinions of them before getting into doing whatever they were. Opinions that were uknown to a point that I had a few people referring to me as Paul Wasiwasi. I developed the tendency of comparing myself to others – my friends. At some point they fitted in better than I did and so whenever they’d outdo me, I would really feel bad because I was of the school of thought that we are supposed to be doing things,living our lives,think,talk and even tackle situations on the same level which unfortunately wasn’t the case.
I later came to realise that all these I was heaping on myself were too much vague expectations. They were my standards of perfection and I strictly had to live to them and rule was nothing was supposed to go wrong. That only meant one thing; I wasn’t ready for mistakes and whenever I came across the very mistakes I would break easily and it sort of became a permanent tatoo written all over me. It never stopped. It kept repeating itself until there was no self-belief just the undying thirst to build my self esteem.