Own My Own Movement

Fantasies help hide the deep wounds in my heart

Most people come from broken families and I am not any different. Sometimes you hear other people’s stories and you think to yourself. “I’m actually doing great, I am not that messed up.” I come from a single parent family.  And I’ve always wanted to have a better life for the both of us; my mum and I. She’s my whole world. I tell people around me that I want to be a single mother.  To have my kids but no husband.

This notion was true until I met some guy I thought was perfect. That goofy ambitious person who pushed me to be the best kind of girl. Everything was awesome. In my life, I never thought someone would cheat on me but this guy somehow did that. I was angry and my anger grew inside that I was highly irritable. My judgement was poor, I spent all my days drinking, going to class super high. If I wasn’t high I was over thinking, crying my brains out.

Thinking of going gay had actually crossed my mind. Worst thing I had to see him daily. I wanted to die. It’s super stupid to actually want to die for a boy but this was real. I stopped going to church. I wondered why God would let one of his own to suffer that much. No one knew I was hurting. I completely stopped believing in God. I was depressed. My phone was always off, I never touched that gadget and my hate for men grew by the day. Any dude who dared touch me always met some sort of resistance. I once had a fight with a group of men. I just snapped and went gorilla on them. My issues made me have issues with my family. If you made me angry, I would snap and turn to this fighting demon. Everything just turned black when I was angry but when I came back to normal I’d realize  I had done a bunch to that person who made me angry. I got anger issues till it become a family concern.

 

In as much as my condition has improved, I’ve never completely healed, I still despise men. You want to take me out, I’ll think of the worst possible thing and won’t show up.  I am dead inside. No feelings, no love; I  feel nothing towards very many things. I am not a psycho but I might be heading there. Worst thing its been over a year now and still  not over him yet. I tell myself fantasies to hide the deep wounds in my heart. I just can’t deal with stuff.

~Hope

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